Nearly three weeks in to the antibiotic treatment and I feel a little all over the place. In the last two weeks, we have moved house, are battling with an ignorant (soon-to-be-ex) landlord and have no hob/stove top. Of course, the thing that always suffers first is the diet….
Whilst trying to get my head back in the game, all the old feelings of injustice have bubbled up again. Why me? Why can’t I eat what I like? How is it even possible that my diet could have such an impact on my health? Why do I have to suffer daily pain? How can such innocent food have such a devastating result on something as seemingly disconnected as my skin? Why, why, WHY??!!
During my little baby tantrum, Mr B suggested we go the lake. I begrudgingly got up to get ready and then had an amazing realization; a revelation that sprung me out of my funk and into a fit of hazy and delirious happiness – I would actually be able to wear a normal bikini! With no pads! With no leaks! Just like a normal, regular person. Wooohoooooooooo!!!
What a difference that made to my mood! Something so small, that I have always taken for granted. I mean I’ve never been happy with my body in a bikini, but at least I could wear one! I also realised that this means when I go back to the UK, I can go hang in my friend’s hot tub! Double wooohooooo!!!
After a lovely afternoon with the kids at the lake, I got to thinking…it is so hard to find positives that have an impact all the time. Mostly, our positives are, “I’m so lucky this isn’t terminal,” or “I should be grateful that my HS isn’t as bad/in a more obvious place/as painful as the next person’s (delete as applicable)”. But these aren’t really positives, are they? They are just comparisons – used to chastise ourselves for wallowing in self-pity. They are not positives. I mean, instead of thinking how lucky I am that I don’t have cancer, I should be thinking how amazing it was that I had another day without pain; how brilliant that today the side effects from the drugs I take were nothing compared to how awful the effects of HS are; how amazing it is that I have been able to eat some different foods lately and not suffer too much.
So there it is. I am still a little stressed out. I’m still getting my diet under control. I’m trying hard to be kind to myself and stay positive. I am learning that it’s a real thin line between comparisons and self-positives, but just thinking about the freedom and happiness I felt just from wearing a bikini, I think with some practice, I should be able to be more positive.
After all, I’m not dying, am I? 😉