Luck, positivity and a bikini body.

Nearly three weeks in to the antibiotic treatment and I feel a little all over the place. In the last two weeks, we have moved house, are battling with an ignorant (soon-to-be-ex) landlord and have no hob/stove top. Of course, the thing that always suffers first is the diet….

Whilst trying to get my head back in the game, all the old feelings of injustice have bubbled up again. Why me? Why can’t I eat what I like? How is it even possible that my diet could have such an impact on my health? Why do I have to suffer daily pain? How can such innocent food have such a devastating result on something as seemingly disconnected as my skin? Why, why, WHY??!!

During my little baby tantrum, Mr B suggested we go the lake. I begrudgingly got up to get ready and then had an amazing realization; a revelation that sprung me out of my funk and into a fit of hazy and delirious happiness – I would actually be able to wear a normal bikini!  With no pads! With no leaks! Just like a normal, regular person. Wooohoooooooooo!!!

What a difference that made to my mood! Something so small, that I have always taken for granted. I mean I’ve never been happy with my body in a bikini, but at least I could wear one! I also realised that this means when I go back to the UK, I can go hang in my friend’s hot tub! Double wooohooooo!!!

After a lovely afternoon with the kids at the lake, I got to thinking…it is so hard to find positives that have an impact all the time. Mostly, our positives are, “I’m so lucky this isn’t terminal,” or “I should be grateful that my HS isn’t as bad/in a more obvious place/as painful as the next person’s (delete as applicable)”. But these aren’t really positives, are they? They are just comparisons – used to chastise ourselves for wallowing in self-pity. They are not positives. I mean, instead of thinking how lucky I am that I don’t have cancer, I should be thinking how amazing it was that I had another day without pain; how brilliant that today the side effects from the drugs I take were nothing compared to how awful the effects of HS are; how amazing it is that I have been able to eat some different foods lately and not suffer too much.

So there it is. I am still a little stressed out. I’m still getting my diet under control. I’m trying hard to be kind to myself and stay positive. I am learning that it’s a real thin line between comparisons and self-positives, but just thinking about the freedom and happiness I felt just from wearing a bikini, I think with some practice, I should be able to be more positive.

After all, I’m not dying, am I? 😉

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2 thoughts on “Luck, positivity and a bikini body.

  1. I am so glad that I stumbled across your blog. When I read your entries I feel like I am reading about myself. I’ve been considering the paleo/AIP for quite some time now but have been hesitant, not because of doubt, but because of fear. Fear that I won’t achieve the same results and will be left with no hope. I follow primal girl and I see you’ve made references about her site. I think she is wonderful for putting this information out there.
    I’ve had this condition for about 13 years but really got aggravated after the birth of my son 4 years ago. It was mostly in my groin area and now it has moved up to my underarms. I have open lesions that drain constantly, so I can relate to all the dressings that need to happen. I find myself often making these great plans with my family to then realize, oh wait I have HS this is going to be uncomfortable. I won’t be able to do this or that. It’s frustrating because I’m missing out on life.
    I recently went on antibiotics (one week in). I only did it because of all the pus. I need to make it stop, but I plan on doing the paleo very soon. I just need to organize a menu and go shopping.
    I see in this entry that you were able to go to the lake and actually wear a bikini. I hope to do that one day. I want to enjoy life with my family. I don’t want anymore restrictions. I want my lesions to close. I don’t want to have to wear dressings 24 hrs a day.
    Thanks to your blog, I now have the hope that these lesions can close.
    Thank you once again for putting this blog together. There aren’t too many blogs out there that address this problem in particular and that offer positive information.

    • Mari!

      Your experiences sound really similar to mine. It definitely got worse after the birth of my daughter two years ago. How are your antibiotics going? I hope they have started to heal your sores.

      Please, please give the paleo diet a go! It really does work. Despite taking the antibiotics, I will still flare if I eat offending foods. It is such a long process to find your individual triggers, that the sooner you get started the better. No doubt it is one of the biggest changes I have had to make in my life, but it has reshaped my relationship with food, increased my inner strength and made me love my body for what it is. Preparation is definitely key and the free online resources you can get with menu planning etc is amazing 🙂

      If you haven’t already got any literature, I would highly recommend It Starts WIth Food, by Melissa and Dallas Hartwig and I have also just bought Digestive Health with Real Food by Aglaée Jacob – a beautifully laid out book with lots of information on how to nourish your body.

      Tara Grant is also a fabulous resource and like you, I am glad I found her, as she inspired me to really look seriously at how diet can heal us.

      I am just back off holiday, so I’ll be updating my blog soon 🙂

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